“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
- Winnie the Pooh
Today, I had to say goodbye to my sweet little Bailey, my angel, my healer, my soulmate and best friend. Putting her to sleep has been the hardest thing I've ever done.
If you've been following our journey together, she was diagnosed with chronic renal failure around this time last year. With supplements, fluid injections, and reiki, she stabilized. Until she showed symptoms of hyperthyroidism, which were controlled with a few more medications. Around 2 months ago, she started vomiting daily and the vet concluded it was most likely inflammatory bowel disease or lymphoma cancer. She couldn't keep any food down and her 7-pound body shrank to skin and bones. We switched her diet and tried holistic remedies, but nothing seemed to help. The outrageous cost of medical tests and no-promise treatments on a 13-year old kitty with 3 terminal illnesses, just no longer made sense.
It took me quite awhile to accept her fate. I went through a lot of guilt about keeping her around, in so much pain, for my own sake. But I couldn't bear to make a decision until I saw some sort of sign that she was ready. Then over the weekend, she came to me in a dream, asking me to let her go.
I found a vet who came to our home to euthanize. I held her tiny head in my left hand with her front paws in my right, as she peacefully fell asleep in my lap.
I've never known another cat like her. She had the personality of a dog, so warm and friendly, always vocalizing, always greeting me at the door, always following me from room to room. She would knead her paws along my back, knowing exactly where my muscles were tense. I can still smell her sweet damp fur after she bathed. I can still hear her hypnotic purr, luring me to sleep. Every night, she would curl up under my arm and stay there until morning.
Maybe I'm writing this post too soon. It's still very raw. But I've been through 3 major losses in the past 2 months and I'm wondering what it all means, contemplating life, death, spirituality, and what lessons I'm supposed to learn. What I do know, is this. Bailes and I came into each other's lives for a reason. For healing, growth, comfort and love. We shared, and still share, a very strong spirit connection. I can only hope, that one day, we'll be lucky enough to find each other again.
I'll be taking a break from blogging this week. Thank you for understanding, my dears. I'll see you again next Monday.